How not to teach your children about genitals.
By David Cocco (Writer)
Not many people know this, but I was something of a child prodigy. I was born to make great art. Even as a child of 5, I was influenced by the Renaissance masters, Michelangelo, Botticelli, the like. Perhaps this led to one of my most influential pieces. It was a picture I drew of my family, my mother, father, sister, and myself. The proportions weren't quite right, we were just circles with legs and arms and vaguely representative hairstyles... but there was something there... a certain je ne sais quoi. Wait, sorry. I know what it was.
I drew my entire family with dicks. I left out the necks, the torsos, all that other stuff. We were meatballs with dicks. My teacher called my family, concerned and slightly incredulous.
My mom and dad sat me down and, I presume, asked me what I was thinking. I'm sure I was invoking imagery from the Birth of Venus or something, but great art is never understood in its time. Later someone pointed out the flaw in my masterpiece.
"Not everyone has a penis," they told me.
To which I responded, "say no more! There's no chance this will lead to a further embarrassing misunderstanding." Clearly I was one of the chosen few born with a penis. I didn't know what that meant, what kind of mystical power it held, but I figured I would find out one day.