The #1, ultimate Red Flag on any first date. Or second date. Or EVER.
By Ali Gordon
"Hey, are you -- "
"Yeah! So that makes you Fred?"
"In the flesh."
"Nice to meet you, Fred."
"Ditto, ditto. Please sit down. I ordered us some wine."
"Oh, gosh. You didn't have to."
"No, please, I was happy to. I want to have a good time. Plus, to be entirely honest... this is my first blind date. I'm a little nervous."
"God, yes. I'm sweating through my blouse. This is nerve-wracking!"
"Why are you so nervous? A gorgeous woman like yourself, someone would be crazy not to be excited to have you as their blind date."
"Aw, jeez. That was a really nice thing to say, Fred."
"Don't mention it."
"No, really. That was very sweet. I've had kind of a tough week."
"Sorry to hear that."
"Dumb work stuff. No biggie."
"Yeah, well, sometimes the littlest things are the easiest to get lodged in your brain. Hard to shake 'em free, too."
"Very true. Thank you."
"You are quite the charmer, Fred. Not to jinx it but this is, uh, going well so far. You know -- "
"Hi, my name is Alexis! I'll be your server tonight. Are you two ready to order, or are there any questions I can answer for you?"
"Yes, Alexis. We are quite ready, considering we've been sitting here for nearly five minutes now, and you just rudely interrupted my date. As for questions, I need you to go back into the kitchen right now and ask the chef if he can make us some rice pilaf -- YES, I know it isn't on the menu, Alexis, and YES I see that you were about to interrupt again -- but go ask the chef. Soon, please."
"Sorry, Sarah, as you were saying? Sarah? Wait... Sarah... why are you getting up? Are you leaving? Don't go! We... we were having such a lovely time!"
"I'm sorry, Fred. I... I thought you were different. You were so sweet to me, and so complimentary... so I hoped. I hoped against all hope that you might be the kind of man who isn't rude to young college-age waiters who are trying their best. But now I see your truest form: human garbage. Goodbye forever, Fred."